why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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