I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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