help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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