I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
