You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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