Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
