Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I am mentally ready for anal.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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