I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
