how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
