she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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