We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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