I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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