I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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