im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
