I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
