You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
