I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Jerry, you need to find god
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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