I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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