I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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