So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
