last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize