Your face is a jimmy john
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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