so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
