i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
