just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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