I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize