Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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