dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
