He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize