I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
