Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
