My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
