Just fell off a train. Bad.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize