Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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