i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize