I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
