omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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