If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
