she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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