Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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