I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I got inside last night via doggy door
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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