I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
