based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
