I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize