Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
