Duck Duck Cougar?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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