Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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