no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize