i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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