Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
