sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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