did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize