Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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