A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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