Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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