"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
