I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
