I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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