I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
